Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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