apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
