Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
