do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
