my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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