She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
