Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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