Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
