Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize