I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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