it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
my penis made a compromise with my morals
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
