i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
