the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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