Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
