i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
