I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
