if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I didn't notice because vodka
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
