Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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