OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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