I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
