Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
