Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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