I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
