I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it glows. i had to have it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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