Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
