corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
