im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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