he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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