He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
