oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This baby is an asshole
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize