I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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