whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
