I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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