my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
