Got a toothbrush?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
