She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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