I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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