And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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