i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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