I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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