OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
