my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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