Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He called his prostate his "boner button".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
