My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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