GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
