some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
someone owes me an orgasm
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
