I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
