3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
