I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
