she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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