He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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