Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
