WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
