did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize