Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize