She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
