my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
did i walk over a car last night?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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