So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
