I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
