turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
